I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
You Might Also Like
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.