To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
figuring out my emotional availability:
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs