GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two