When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.