Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*struts into the new year
~ trips
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”