Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.