Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
You Might Also Like
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Life hack
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.