“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’m sorry…what?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*