Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You Might Also Like
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
omg leave her alone
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!