My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You Might Also Like
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Help Wanted
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
WHO DID THIS?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions