Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
You Might Also Like
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
In Canada they just call them geese
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks