wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?