[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You Might Also Like
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The news
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.