Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
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Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.