Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
every single time
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
This is always good for a laugh.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂