As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?