Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
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I have a type: disappointing
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Some people were born into their job.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.