HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
These are too funny not to post 😂
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.