*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead