My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one