Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
gm
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
rapatouille
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.