What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Monica just destroyed the internet
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.