It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks