Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.