I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
#ParentingFacts
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel