You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.