I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
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Succinctly put.
💯😂
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
who wore it better?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I beg your pardon?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Google assistant rules