Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
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my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong