Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Single and childfree like Jesus
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.