The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*