I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead