If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Rich people don’t understand cereal
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.