From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw