[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Guys, I found it.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse