Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.