The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.