In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Squirrels before girls.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
so this horse walks into a bar
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….