I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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Found the job I’m suited for
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?