I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever