[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”