Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me