My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
6. me as a lawyer
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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