I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
You Might Also Like
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My love language is hissing.