Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right