listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You Might Also Like
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
584.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
we did it you guys we saved daylight