“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Taking phone security to the next level.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.