i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
No laws when master is gone
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The days of good grammer has went
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible