My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
#catsoftwitter
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
A flock of dads is called a grill.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Never ghost your hitman.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist