I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I have two kinds of followers
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.