I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.